Packing Boxes and Migranes

Well, We've decided to offically move. No more of this middle ground of maybes and ifs. We are definately moving, I have definately transferred, and the new apartment has definately cashed the security deposit check.

This new adventure is overflowing with possibilities. I can't even write how excited I am! I hope, with this new life, I will be able to over come the boring and tedious subjects I kept harping on and will be able to start a new blog with a new outlook. There is sooo much I am hoping that will happen with this move. We are with out a doubt, going to be happier and healthier.

It will be a while before we get internet access I'm sure, until we figure out some money situations (things in the big city are pricier than here in the boondocks)As soon as that happens though, I will post a redirect (if i can figure out how to do that) to the new page. If my technology challenged brain can't figure it out, then you'll get an email.
Wish us LUCK

SOO Columbus, here we come!!!

Amazed.

In the shower, suds of Pearberry tickle my skin. He touches me, presses against me, so now he is covered in delicacy too. His hands need me, want me. His eyes say all that his words cannot. He looks at me, in my naked, wet imperfection and I know that he is in love. With out a doubt, knocked over, this is it, Love.

And the joy that I should feel at that precise moment eludes me. Instead, I stand trapped between shear fear and confusion. I begin to cry, letting the shower disguise my melodrama. I don't understand why this man, whom not 6 months ago was home to me... That safe place where overstufffed comfy couches with cashmere blankets and sents of Hot Butter Rum... that I looked at him and felt as far away from home as a jet could take me. Why when I know in my heart of hearts, deepest of secrets, this man loves me as no other has ever loved me, as no other could ever love me? Why does this heart, my heart, flutter against it?

He realizes the tears now, making me nervous for now I have to explain. How to use words to explain emotions that even I don't understand? I tell this "home" theory to him... he tells me to get out of the shower. I wait, towel wrapped around my body, on the bed. Another night started in a delicious way ended in nasty confusion.

I worry when he walks into the bedroom and doesn't look at me. The candle light licks the walls fiercely blown by the fan. I wait, don't move, don't breathe... Maybe its not real. He touches me, gently on my shoulder. Inside everything melts, everything breaks down. Outside, I sit rigid. Do I move? Do I dare?

Before I understand whets happening, I am in his arms, wet, sobbing, trying to explain how I need him but need my dreams too and for some reason the two aren't happening as one.

He holds me, his arms firm and real. He is stoic in all that I say, daring to ask the question that no one wants to ask when one is unsure of the answer. His voice comes out, unwavering, but tiny, "Do you still love me?"

Oh more than anything in this world. Inside I die, my heart shattering, not understanding how intense emotions can live in one heart. Love and fear. I understand so many things about the way he loves me yet each day I feel unloved and isolated without him. Each day that I think about his dreams, I realize ways to abandon my own. With that abandonment, I have born a new person who I don't recongnize in the mirror. Someone hard, someone lined and cold. He tells me, in words that break thru ice, that break thru fear, I am the same person he instantly fell in love with upon first sighting. I am that woman who owned the world when she walked up to him, passionate, fiery, loving, capable, beautiful. Beautiful he says.

My moment of depression breaks then, my sobs slowing to sighs, my breathing in time with his. I realize that things are possible again... that this city I live in is my cave, my poison and its time to break free. I explain my escape and he happily agrees to join in the treason. All the while, each moment, saying he loves me, and after all.... Isn't love worth everything? Songs have been written about it for centuries, inspiring, impassioning. Duels have been fought, men have died and become fools all in the name of Love. Here I am, a woman, crazy by her own psycho analysis, loved, truly, wholly. Yet under the impression that maybe I wasn't and I was doing it all for not.

Hmm. Amazing how incredibly dumb a smart woman can be.

The End

I'm not sure where to begin or end.
I haven't been able to write for a while, not because I don't have the time, but because I wasn't sure what to say.

I'm still not sure what to say. Except that I'm alright. Things here are exciting and changing, as usual. And that I won't be around much anymore. I feel too pressured to write something witty and worthwhile when sometimes all I want to do i just bitch about how unfair life has been. So with that said, I want to thank everyone for reading, responding, and being a part of my life here. I will be back every so often to give updates or if anything truly fabulous has happened to me. I wish you all the best at everything with love and hope. If anyone would like to keep daily correspondence, please email me.

Always,
D

Being Good at Being Alone

I've been staring at the screen for almost two hours now. Not writing, but surfing, reading, catching up on things that really have no meaning but to me. I've tried, in vain, to think of centerpieces for the tables at the wedding I doubt I'll ever have. I've wished for the phone to ring and not answer when it has.

I've wanted to hear him walk thru the door but haven't been disappointed when the only sound I get is the wiz of the cars passing by. And some odd noise coming from the Dell... hope its not blowing up. Hmmm.

I've my AIM up and not a single person has IMed me. God how I remember living for those days of endless conversations via the Instant Messenger. Of RPing and paying for online usage minutes at a time. My life was my hard drive. And now it seems that when I am on here, I'm content to be left alone... for the most part. I even went shopping alone the other day. I could've picked up the phone and called at least three people to meet me, but I'm so used to doing things alone, the thought never crossed my mind until I was already on my way home.

Which brings me to the point... I am a loner. Not in a Rebel Without a Cause James Dean way, but a loner just the same. I'm not even sure I function well in groups. Well, I know that I don't because if I have a lot of people crowding and touching me that I don't know (like in a bar or club) its a fast plane to Panic Attack City. So, the fact that I spent practically every evening alone until I go to sleep isn't really a issue for me. Its just normal. Admittedly, I hate the fact that he is gone every day, all day. But what do you do? What Can I do? really?

The money is solving sooo many issues right now. Or at least, putting a dent in them. We have the weekends (usually except this weekend which he has to work on Saturday) which I don't think we'd have if he were to try to find another job. But I miss him. I miss being me, and saying something completely Joss Whedon-esque and him looking at me, laughing, getting it, getting me. I miss random trips to Wally World or a game of Rack-O. I hate trying to cram all these memories into 48 hours of a weekend.

But I say nothing, except I understand (which I do) and swallow the pain (which is hard) and just chalk it up to me knowing how to be alone (and be good at it). I look at myself and wonder how much more I can take. How many more dreams do I kill in order to stay alive? What good was college when I can't find a job with the degree, one I enjoy, or one that pays well? How many years have I wasted?

He tells me none. He tells me that everything is still possible. That Theatre choose us and we have to bend and mold for that uniqueness. Some days though, I just want to be normal.

This almost feels like a repost of some kind but I know its all new.... its just the feelings haven't changed for a while.

I made a spreadsheet of the things I should eat, excercise, weight, and pictures of how I want to look. I'm hoping this keeps me motivated to stick to it, to loose all this gross-ness. We'll see.

For Rose

As I was driving down the stretch of Rt 11 that brings me home, I sang at the top of my lungs (windows up of course) to the soundtrack of "Aida". And as the lyrics came out I realized this was Rose's song. After reading her post today, I am most assured that it is. So My dear, a tribute to you, whom I admire, hold dear, think of often (though I may hide in the shadows of Haloscan)

~~ My Strongest Suit ~~

In life one has to face a huge assortment
Of nauseating fads and good advice
There's health and fitness
Diet and deportment

And other pointless forms of sacrifice
Conversation? Wit? I am a doubter
Manners? Charm?
They're no way to impress
So forget the inner me , observe the outer
I am what I wear and how I dress

Oh now I believe in looking
Like my time on earth is cooking
Whether polka dotted
Striped or even checked
With the some glamour guaranteeing
Every fiber on of my being
Is displayed to quite remarkable effect


From your cradle via trousseau
To your deathbed you're on view, so
Never compromise, accept no substitute
I would rather wear a barrel
Than conservative apparel
For my dress has always been
My strongest suit
Overwear
Underwear
Anytime
Anywhere



Staying in or hitting town wards
From the top and working downwards
I ensure that every stitch
Is stitched in time

Whether wig or hat or turban
Whether clad boudoir or urban
Not to strut your stuff
Outrageously's a crime

Such a crime
And the few who are invited
To my wardrobe are delighted
As they wander through my things
To find en route We're wandering through your things


That in negligee or formal Ooh anything but normal normal
I am anything but normal


For my dress has always been
My strongest suit
Anytime, anywhere
Overwear, underwear
Anytime, anywhere
I am what I wear
Overwear, underwear
Anytime, anywhere
Overwear,underwear
I said anytime Anytime

So bring me all my finest
Most audacious, my divinest
Most expensive and to boot Most arresting

Most heartstopping
Most arresting
Most heart-stoping
Most heartstopping
Most free-flowing
Most eye-popping
Most arresting
Most heart-stopping
Dress has always been
Dress has always been
I am what I wear
My strongest suit
I am what I wear
My strongest suit
I am what I wear
You know that
I am what I wear
Dress has always been
My strongest
Dress has always been My strongest
My strongest My strongest suit
My strongest
My strongest My strongest
My stroooooooooongest suit My strongest
My strongest suit
My strongest suit!



Though not your strongest suit (for that is your heart) You certainly know how to dress, so Work It Girl! And know I love ya!

Patriotic Days

Can I just say how blessed nice it was to have three days off in a row? I may not know much about the history of the day but I'm glad to have it, the freedom that came from it and the fact that the bank makes it a paid holiday!!!

Saturday started my fun weekend off with a flea market loiter. I love flea markets and this one was pretty neat. Except for the small fact that I forgot it was going to be 90 degrees and no clouds. I never put any sunblock on and so I'm burnt to a pretty apple crisp color. I'm in pain but I'm not complainin (too much).

We've spent the weekend on the boat. Last night we watched the fireworks in their haphazard shapes and colors from the sun deck of their Marinette. We've bickered here and there mostly due to impatience than anything else. My parents are due to arrive in an hour to picnic with us and his parents. It should be highly amusing.

I'm suddenly tired and my back is on fire again.... I will try to post again tonight after the festivities.

Happy Fourth Of July Everyone!!!!

Tagged!

So a week or so ago, I was tagged by Rose and I haven't had a minute to breathe let alone write my answers. So I sincerly apologize! But here is my tag and my answers!

A Lifetime:

10 years ago: I was loosing my virginity

5 years ago: I was frantically trying to pass all my college courses, do 18 hours of theater in only 5 hours, keep and repair my on again off again relationship, while asking myself if this is really what I want to do

1 year ago: I was hanging out in a farm town, riding in disel trucks and learning about farming and how to make hay

Yesterday: I was being driven insane by my family

Today: I am trying to figure out my tomorrow

Tomorrow: I will be over anaylzing my decisions I made today

5 Snacks I Enjoy: celery with salt (thanks to rose!), fruit snacks, popcorn, vanilla soft serve, and fudge rounds

5 Songs I Know All The Words To: Paradise by the dashboard light (Even the baseball commentary), We Belong, I drove all night, Lets Go Crazy, Don't Cry For Me Argentina

5 Things I Would Do With $100,000,000: Pay off our bills, buy a house, move our parents closer to us, vacation for two weeks on Tahiti, and get the biggest Diamond you've ever seen!

5 Locations I`d Like to Run Away To: Tahiti, Rome, Sydney, Boston, France

5 Bad Habits I Have: Not saying whats wrong, worrying, procastinating, over eating, self depricating

5 Things I like Doing: Shopping, being on the boat, swimming, spending time with Adam, going to the movies

5 Things I Would Never Wear: stiletos, mini skirts, a wig, tube tops, a Bush supporting pin

5 T.V. Shows I Like: Crossing Jordan, CSI Miami, CSI original, Medium, Oprah

5 Movies I Like: Sliding Doors, Labyrinth, Wedding Planner, Playing by heart, Gone with the Wind

5 Famous People I'd like to Meet: Tom Hanks, Madonna, Prince, Julia Roberts, Julie Taymor

5 Biggest Joys at the Moment: Adam, thinking I could be thinner, fantasizing about living in FL, my phone ringing, COLD SHOWERS


5 Favorite Toys: my phone, my laptop, dvd player, fan, my inlaws boat!

I would tag 5 people but I don't think 5 people read this!!! So whomever wants to do it, just let me know so I can read your answers!